If the Stimulus was a Python sketch (Warning: Democratically slanted!)

Source: http://www.dailykos.com/story/2009/2/5/161921/8446/931/693674

Negotiating a Stimulus Package with the GOP's Cheese Shop
by Ugh6
Thu Feb 05, 2009 at 01:20:57 PM PST

Obama: Good Morning.
Republicans: Good morning, sir. Welcome to the National Republican Stimulus Emporium.
O: Ah, thank you my good man.
R: What can I do for you, Mr. President?
O: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the Oval Office on Pennsylvania Street just now, skimming through the Democratic Stimulus Bill, and I suddenly came over all bipartisanshippy.
R: Bipartisanshippy, sir?
O: Open to negotiation.
R: Eh?
O: (In a deep, southeran accent): I wanna do sum bidness witchy'all.
R: Ah, foolish.
O: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a little back-and-forth and haggle-haggle will do the trick'. So I curtailed my reading activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the stimulating of our national economy.
R: Come again?
O: I want to pass a bipartisan bill.
R: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the banjo player.
O: Oh, heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Deliverancey muse.
R: Sorry?
O: (In a deep Sourthern accent) Yee-ha!
R: So he can go on playing, can he?
O: Most certainly. Now then, some stimulus please, my good man.
R: Certainly, sir. What would you like?
O: Well, eh, how about a little family planning?
R: I'm afraid we're fresh out of family planning, sir.
O: Oh never mind, how are you on state aid?
R: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir. We get it fresh in 2013, or 2017.
O: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, 30 billion of mass transit, if you please.
R: Ah. It's been on order, sir, for two decades. I was expecting it this next century.
O: It's not my lucky day, is it? Er, sod for the Mall?
R: Sorry, sir.
O: Tax cuts for working families?
R: Normally, sir, yes. But they voted democrat in 2008.
O: Ah. Extended unemployment insurance?
R: Sorry.
O: Caps on executive compensation?
R: No.
O: Any job training, per chance?
R: No.
O: Pell grants?
R: No.
O: National science foundation funding?
R: No.
O: NIH funding?
R: No.
O: Infrastructure repair?
R: No.
O: Prevention & wellness programs?
R: No.
O: Highway funds?
R: No.
O: Wind farms?
R: No.
O: Solar panels?
R: No.
O: Funds for planes, trains, boats, automobiles, motorcycles, jet skis?
R: No.
O: Refundable tax credits, perhaps?
R: Ah! We have refundable tax credits, yes sir.
O: You do! Excellent.
R: Yes, sir. It's, ah ..... it's a bit funny.
O: Oh, I like it funny.
R: Well, it's very funny, actually, sir.
O: No matter. Fetch hither le fromage de la refundable tax credits! M-mmm!
R: I think it's a bit funnier than you'll like it, sir.
O: I don't care how fucking funny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
R: Oh .....
O: What now?
R: Boehner's eaten it.
O: Has he?
R: She, sir.
(pause)
O: Bad bank?
R: No.
O: Nationalization?
R: No.
O: Buy american?
R: No.
O: Detroit bailout?
R: No.
O: Money market guarantees?
R: No, sir.
O: You do have some stimulus, do you?
R: Of course, sir. It's a stimulus shop, sir. We've got .....
O: No, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
R: Fair enough.
O: Insanity Party?
R: Yes?
O: Ah, well, I'll have some of that.
R: Oh, I thought you were talking to me, sir, that's my name.
O: Children's health insurance?
R: Ah, not as such.
O: Er, national health care?
R: No.
O: Cram downs?
R: No.
O: Loan guarantees?
R: No.
O: Protectionism?
R: No.
O: Tax and spend?
R: No.
O: Borrow and spend?
R: No.
O: Spend and spend?
R: Not this term, sir, no.
(pause)
O: Ah, how about printing money?
R: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
O: Not much ca- It's the single most popular stimulus in the world!
R: Not round here, sir.
O: And what is the most popular stimulus round here?
R: Tax cuts for the rich, sir.
O: Is it.
R: Oh yes, sir. It's staggeringly popular in this emporium, squire.
O: Is it.
R: It's our number-one best seller, sir.
O: I see. Ah, tax cuts for the rich, eh?
R: Right, sir.
O: All right. Okay. Will you vote for the bill if I include tax cuts for the rich, he asked expecting the answer no?
R: I'll have a look, sir ..... nnnnnnooooooooo.
O: It's not much of a stimulus shop, is it?
R: Finest in the District, sir.
O: Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
R: Well, it's so right-wing, sir.
O: It's certainly uncontaminated by rational thought.
R: You haven't asked me about equity investments, sir.
O: Is it worth it?
R: Could be.
O: Have you- SHUT THAT BLOODY BANJO UP!
R: (To dancers) Told you so.
O: Have you got any equity investments?
R: No.
O: That figures. Predictable really, I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have tried to negotiate with you in the first place. Tell me:
R: Yes, sir?
O: Have you in fact got any stimulus here at all?
R: Yes, sir.
O: Really?
(pause)
R: No. Not really, sir.
O: You haven't.
R: No, sir, not a scrap. I was deliberately wrecking the country, sir.
O: Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
R: Right-O, sir.
O: (Shoots him) What a senseless waste of human life.