jokes thread

I thought I would start a jokes thread that could just go on and on with jokes. here's one to start it off

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked him straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband on a bed with the pharmacist's wife, he had his oscar mayer deep down her throat.

The pharmacist looked at the picture nodded and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

One evening, Mike went over to his friend's house to play cards with Terry and some other friends. Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife Susan.

When Mike dropped a playing card on the floor and bent down to pick it up, he looked across underneath the table and saw that Terry's wife had her legs wide open with no panties on. Mike then sat up and tried hiding the fact that he was flushed.

When Mike went into the kitchen to get a drink of water, to his surprise, Susan had followed him into the kitchen and said in a sultry voice, "Did you like what you saw?"

Mike replied with enthusiasm, "Yes, I did!"

Terry's wife then said, "Well, you can get more than a look, but it will cost you $500."

So Mike thought about his financial situation and said okay.

Susan then said, "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work."

Mike said with a smile, "I'll see you then."

The next afternoon Mike went over, they had sex, he gave her the $500, then he left.

Later that evening, Terry came home and asked his wife, "Has Mike been over here today?"

Thinking she had been caught, she said, "As a matter of fact, he did."

Terry said, "Good! Because that fool came by my office early this morning and asked to borrow $500. He said he'd pay me back before suppertime, which sounded a bit quirky, but I gave it to him anyway. He said he would probably leave the money with you."

Top Ten Signs You Know You've Joined A Redneck HMO...

10. Your Viagra prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some duct tape.

9. The only 100% covered expense is embalming.

8. Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each pill.

7. Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day".

6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

5. The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy.

4. The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter.

3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

2. Directions to the Dr.'s office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park".

1. The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE fracking DISHES"

Like that $500 one.

\

Spitter Swallow wrote:

LukeTHr wrote:

had his cock deep down her throat.

Really??? Thats the direction y'all are heading? So sad....too bad...

Not exactly a family friendly joke I agree. But just out of curiosity how would you explain your screen name to the kiddies?

What, you've never seen that bird?

LukeTHr wrote:

Top Ten Signs You Know You've Joined A Redneck HMO...

10. Your Viagra prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some duct tape.

9. The only 100% covered expense is embalming.

8. Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each pill.

7. Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day".

6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

5. The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy.

4. The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter.

3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

2. Directions to the Dr.'s office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park".

1. The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's

You stole that list from the list of "benefits" of BOcare on www.healthcare.gov, didn't you. I recognized it because they put #1 in to get Bill Clinton's support. He'll be conducting the exams along with his partner, Tiger Woods.

suzyr wrote:

What, you've never seen that bird?

I've encountered the common spitter more than once. But the Idunwanna is even more common.

Ha!

The Other One wrote:

LukeTHr wrote:

Top Ten Signs You Know You've Joined A Redneck HMO...

10. Your Viagra prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some duct tape.

9. The only 100% covered expense is embalming.

8. Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each pill.

7. Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day".

6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

5. The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy.

4. The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter.

3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

2. Directions to the Dr.'s office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park".

1. The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's

You stole that list from the list of "benefits" of BOcare on www.healthcare.gov, didn't you. I recognized it because they put #1 in to get Bill Clinton's support. He'll be conducting the exams along with his partner, Tiger Woods.

dang, you figured out my source

Ratzilla wrote:

suzyr wrote:

What, you've never seen that bird?

I've encountered the common spitter more than once. But the Idunwanna is even more common.

you said it brother.......

If your uncle Jack helped you off a horse. Would you help your uncle Jack off a horse?

slickjay12 wrote:

If your uncle Jack helped you off a horse. Would you help your uncle Jack off a horse?

Ever watch that movie "Freddie Got Fingered"? I'd post a youtube link to the "I'm a farmer daddy" scene but it's a touch extreme. Siskel and Ebert said the movie deserved to be banned. That Tom Green is a sick boy.

Just do a youtube search for "Freddie got fingered - Horses".

An oldie:

Why did Jesus cross the road?

Because he was nailed to a chicken.

Oh man.. There should be a smiley that winces for times like this. LOL

why did the chicken cross the road?



he was pinned to a punk rocker

How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen?

104

4 in the seats, 100 in the ashtray.

nitromaxx98 wrote:

How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen?

104

4 in the seats, 100 in the ashtray.

oy vay....., and they said my jokes were not fit for a family forum.......

yikes!

That is tasteless humor....Q.What's long and hard on the average black male?
A. 3rd grade

LukeTHr wrote:

nitromaxx98 wrote:

How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen?

104

4 in the seats, 100 in the ashtray.

oy vay....., and they said my jokes were not fit for a family forum.......

Youse boyce qvit dat!!

Heard about the new Chermin-Chinese restaurant?

The food is great, but an hour later, you're hungry for power.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a Chermin?

A: A Beaner-Schnitzel

Why are there so many tree lined streets and leafy lanes in France?

Germans like to march in the shade.

What's the difference between Lady Diana and the Germans?

The Germans survived the wall.

The Other One wrote:

Why are there so many tree lined streets and leafy lanes in France?

Germans like to march in the shade.

now that right there is funny.......

Overheard on traffic control radio:

"British Airways one-seven, this is Hamburg ground, clear to taxi to Gate Seven."

"Roger, Hamburg ground, request directions to Gate Seven."

"British Airways one-seven, have you never been to Hamburg before?"

"Yes, Hamburg ground, in 1944, but we didn't stop!"

Q: What's the definition of cannibalism?



A: Chermins eating pork.

The Other One wrote:

Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a Chermin?

A: A Beaner-Schnitzel

That's hilarious!

The Other One wrote:

Overheard on traffic control radio:

"British Airways one-seven, this is Hamburg ground, clear to taxi to Gate Seven."

"Roger, Hamburg ground, request directions to Gate Seven."

"British Airways one-seven, have you never been to Hamburg before?"

"Yes, Hamburg ground, in 1944, but we didn't stop!"

the british weren't used to seeing germany by daylight, they always came in under the cover of darkness, coward limey bastards anyway

An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, "Englander, your arm is infected with gangrene we must cut it off."The English prisoner said, "Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing."The German replied, "Ya, that vill not be a problem."A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off. The Englishman says, "Well, could drop it over England like you did last time.""Ya, that will be done," says the German.The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off. Once again the Brit says, "Well, could you do the same as before."The German replies, " ya."The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. "Well," begins the Brit, "could you just..."The German snapped, "No! We think you are trying to escape!."

One day about a month ago, Obama was looking for a call girl. He found three such ladies in a local lounge---a blonde , a brunette , and a redhead. To the blonde he said , "I am the President of the United States. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?" The blonde replied, "Two hundred dollars." To the brunette he posed the same question , and she replied, "One hundred dollars. " He then asked the redhead the same question. The redhead replied, "Mr. President , if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes.... Get my panties as low as my wages...get that thing of yours as hard as the times... Keep it high as the gas prices...keep me warmer than my apartment...and...screw me in private the way you do in public, then believe me Mr. President , it'll be free!"

That Englishman joke didn't quite make it with the judges on the German version of the Gong Show.

The Other One wrote:

One day about a month ago, Obama was looking for a call girl. He found three such ladies in a local lounge---a blonde , a brunette , and a redhead. To the blonde he said , "I am the President of the United States. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?" The blonde replied, "Two hundred dollars." To the brunette he posed the same question , and she replied, "One hundred dollars. " He then asked the redhead the same question. The redhead replied, "Mr. President , if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes.... Get my panties as low as my wages...get that thing of yours as hard as the times... Keep it high as the gas prices...keep me warmer than my apartment...and...screw me in private the way you do in public, then believe me Mr. President , it'll be free!"

Good one EP

Them nazi's have a nice ditch to put their victims in..Will ya look how nice and straight the sides are cut in that hole.

In Germany, We have ways to make you laugh.

The Other One wrote:

I think the Chermins assassinated your photo.

This video is a parody of iconic Chicago morning DJ Wally Phillips. Seems to me he could be singing about Mike Cooper on KAYS.

Blackie Kuhn wrote:

Them nazi's have a nice ditch to put their victims in..Will ya look how nice and straight the sides are cut in that hole.

thats what German engineering is all about.... precision

I met a fairy today that would grant me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Democrats get their heads out of their
asses!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

Two prostitutes are standing on a corner. One says to the other, "Ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits."

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free."

"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."

the perks of military life

Miss Crabtree asks Alfalfa if he could use the word dictate in a sentence. Alfalfa said "I think I might like to dictate a letter to Darla and tell her how much I care for her".

Miss Crabtree says that's very good Alfalfa. Then she asks Buckwheat if he can make a sentence using the same word. Buckwheat thinks for a moment and says "When Alfalfa writes dat letter he should ask Darla if she like da way my dictate".

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, a woman became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

Again reached behind her to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends.'

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.' Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'

'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'

'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.

'Rose! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.

'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'

Life is uncertain - eat dessert first.

Samwitty wrote:

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.' Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'

'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'

'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.

'Rose! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.

'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'

Life is uncertain - eat dessert first.