Satan's Open Letter to Pat Robertson

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action. But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"? If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll.

You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan

LILY COYLE, MINNEAPOLIS

Read more: Satan's Open Letter to Pat Robertson -- Daily Intel http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2010/01/satans_open_letter_to_pat_robe.html#ixzz0d4X28mgN

robert wrote:

lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing.

Sounds like Dubai.

My dad's last wife worshipped Jimmy Swaggart. She called him God's right hand man and said my comments about him were blasphemy. One day she told me I'd go to hell for badmouthing him and I said Maybe so, but I might just be the one sticking her and Swaggart in the ass with a pitchfork when they got there. One of the most fulfilling moments I ever had was watching her freak out.

I'll remember to sharpen the points nicely and dip them in a rotten skunk for Robertson.

I enjoyed that. Thanks, R.

robert wrote:

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action. But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"? If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll.

You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan

LILY COYLE, MINNEAPOLIS

Read more: Satan's Open Letter to Pat Robertson -- Daily Intel http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2010/01/satans_open_letter_to_pat_robe.html#ixzz0d4X28mgN

hi