Reward for the return of my nads

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!! It is the last

>> paragraph that will do it!!!!!
>>
>> Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased

>> his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
>>
>> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
>> sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was

>> looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.
>>
>> What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
>> effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no
>> long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate
>> time to retreat to safety....??
>>
>> WAY TOO COOL!
>>
>> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
>> two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
>>
>> Nothing! I was disappointed.
>>
>> I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it
>> against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of
>> electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
>>
>> AWESOME!!!
>>
>> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
>> on the face of her microwave.
>>
>> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
>> it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
>>
>> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
>> (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
>> thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
>> blood moving target.
>>
>> I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
>> second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
>>
>> But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
>> against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
>> advertised.
>>
>> Am I wrong?
>>
>> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
>> glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
>> one hand, and taser in another.
>>
>> The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient

>> your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
>> spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would

>> purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of

>> water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
>> batteries.
>>
>> All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5'
>> long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
(loaded
>
>> with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
possible
>
>> way!'
>>
>> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
>> best...?
>>
>> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
>> one side as to say, 'don't do it dippoop,' reasoning that a one
>> second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that

>> bad.
>>
>> I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
>> touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
>> . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE
>> HELL!!!
>>
>> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
>> me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over
>> and over and over again.
>>
>> I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
>> tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
>> nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
>> oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
>>
>> The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
>> to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an
>> attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the
>> living room.
>>
>> Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
>> note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when
>> you zap yourself!
>>
>> You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
>> hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst
>> would be considered conservative?
>>
>>
>> A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
>> at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up
>> and surveyed the landscape.
>>
>> My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
>> recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
>> originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
>> twitching.
>>
>> My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom
>> lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
>>
>> Apparently I poop myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
>> sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head
>> which I believe came from my hair.
>>
>> I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward
>> for their safe return!!
>>
>> P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
>>